is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
