Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
