my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
