why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
