what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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