Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
