I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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