Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we're so committed to being not committed
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
