She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
