She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
