Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
