i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
