My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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