How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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