Betty ford says i'm here all night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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