drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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