Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
