Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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