I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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