matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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