just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
