I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
