I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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