the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
