I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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