Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
