After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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