he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
