you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
