I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
