I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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