I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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