I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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