She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
it glows. i had to have it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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