woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
