Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
