come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
