i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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