Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
