I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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