Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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