I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
