i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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