Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
