We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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