i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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