Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
