I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
