my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
