Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
