Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
