OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I looked at my own cervix.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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