dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
