Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
