I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
