two words: eviction party
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
