Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
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