thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
