i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
