fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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